I've dissappeared! Or have I?

Still following this blog? I apologize to say that I've moved to a new blog (quite a while ago) that all my new posts get, well, posted on! ;) I should've done this post a long time ago, but if you're still waiting for me to post on this blog, or just wondering where I am, I'm here: http://ldswithssa-mylife.blogspot.com/. Hope you can find your way! :D

All This Time

Britt Nicole

 

I remember the moment, I remember the pain
I was only a girl, but I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom, so alone
I was doing my best, trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You

(Chorus)
 All this time, from the first tear cried
'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
Ooh, oh, oohh
Ooh, oh, oohh
You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day, it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring

Every heartache and failure, every broken dream
You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story

Chorus

 I hear these people asking me
How do I know what I believe
Well, I'm not the same me, and that's all the proof I need
I felt love, I felt Your grace
You stole my heart that day

Chorus

 Ever since the first tear cried
It was You, You and I
You've been walking with me all this time
x2

    

     I found this song a little while ago, and it really struck a cord with me. It was a song I could really relate to. Even the first 2 lines of the song "I remember the moment, I remember the pain. I was only a (boy), but I grew up that day" I remember that moment for me, or rather moments, early in my life when I felt pain, when I was still young enough to not need to deal with that, but it caused me to have to grow up, to accept things and deal with things at that young age. "Tears were falling, I know You saw me."

     Then the next section "Hiding there in my bedroom, so alone. I was doing my best, trying to be strong. No one to turn to. That's when I met You" This section of the song hit me even harder. I remember those moments in my life, when life seemed to be caving in, when I was trying to be strong, but could only keep that up for so long. When I felt that I had no one to turn to, and finally the moment when I met the Savior, when I came to know God, and when I was able to turn to Him and rely on his atonement. There have been times in my life when I've forgotten to turn to Christ, times when I've turned my back on God, and yet He remains there waiting for me to turn back to Him. That is a love I cannot comprehend.

     And finally, one of my favorite parts "I hear these people asking me. How do I know what I believe? Well, I'm not the same me, and that's all the proof I need. I felt love, I felt Your grace" That's one thing that has solidified my testimony, as well as something I need to apply to my life even more. How do I know what I believe? Well, I'm not the same me, and that's all the proof I need. That statement seems so powerful to me. That's all the proof I need. Sometimes I feel like I don't know enough, sometimes I feel like I need more to have a true testimony, but is it really that I don't have enough? Or should the fact that I'm not the same me, that I'm happy, that I've felt love and grace be enough for me to say "That's all the proof I need"

Grace

     Today while I was out mowing my Grandma's lawn, I was listening to my music, and a song came on which I've heard multiple times before, but for some reason it hit me hard today. The song is You Never Are by Francesca Battistelli.

 

You Never Are

 

Lost your way and you don't know how it happened
So much time you wasted chasing satisfaction
Seems like there's no where else to go
Please, I wish that you would come home

 

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are
So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are

 

Grace is underestimated
All you ever really have to do is take it
God is bigger than the times we fail
So why can we not forgive ourselves?

 

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are, you never are, are, are
So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
But you never are, you never are, but you never are

 

You will never be perfect, oh
But you're still worth it
You've gotta just believe

 

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are

Oh, don't be so afraid, you think that you're too far
But you never are, you never are, oh

 So scared that you're too late, too hidden in the dark
 But you never, you never, you never are, you never are

You never are, you never are, are, are
You never are, you never are, you never are, are, are

 

     And my writing talent has exhausted itself for today, so rather than try to dissect it and its meaning, I'll just leave it at that and I added highlights and bolding to parts that I think mean a lot and are cool.

     Anyways, love you all! May God bless you continually and may we come to realize that we are never too far for forgiveness through the grace of Christ.

 

    

"I Can't Do This (Sam)"

     It is at times like this when I feel the most vulnerable, when I feel utterly lost and worthless. When I feel that I fail at being a friend, that I can't do anything right, that I can't make a difference in the world. This is when I have to realize no matter how tempting it is to return to my past behaviors that gave me comfort, relief, even temporary "happiness" that it would only take what I already have and throw it back down again. I have to realize that no matter how much I hate myself right now, that I can't self-sabotage. No matter how alone, hurt, and/or betrayed I feel, that I can't isolate. I can't resort to self-harm, suicidal thoughts, indulging in my addictions, or any other destructive behaviors.
     To be honest, my family relationships are struggling, and I recognize that it is mainly my fault. My spirituality has been very poor recently. I haven't been getting down on my knees and praying at night, and it definitely hasn't been happening in the mornings. I haven't been reading my scriptures practically at all the past little while. I feel so blessed to have the wonderful friends I have now, and I do recognize it as such a big blessing, but I've been doubting myself and my ability to be a good and successful friend and to reciprocate in a relationship. All of these factors added together have led me to be struggling with myself emotionally, socially, and especially spiritually.
     Thinking about all of this today, I had a conversation pop into my head that happens between Frodo and Sam in The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkein. The first part of the conversation has actually come to my mind many times before when my life truly seems to become completely overwhelming and hopeless. Frodo despairingly turns to Sam and says "I can't do this, Sam." This is a feeling I know all to well. Turning to God, to myself, to a friend, and saying "I can't do this." and truly believing it. Feeling hopeless, feeling stuck and at a complete stop in life not believing there is anywhere else to go and that the struggles of life have become too much to bear.
     To Frodo, Sam then replies "I know." A surprising reply, to be validated that perhaps you truly cannot do it... at least, not alone. I truly believe that every person on this earth has struggles and trials that we truly cannot overcome on our own. We have to rely on others to support us and help us through, and more importantly, we have to rely on God and Christ, and the infinite power of Christ's atonement.
     The entirety of the conversation between Frodo and Sam is as follows;
“Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers
      This was what reminded me today that yes, you know what? I can't do this on my own. I've been pushing God out of my life recently, I haven't been praying or reading my scriptures, I've been struggling with relationships, I haven't been doing my best because I need to rely on God.
      I need to drop my stubborn pride, my fears, and whatever else, and turn myself back to God if I wish to overcome this and get myself back to a better place. It won't be easy, it'll be hard, but I need to realize that I can't do this on my own. I need support in my life, especially from God, and in order to receive that, I need to open myself to Him and be willing to trust him and turn to him.
      Sometimes I don't want to know the end, because looking in the present, how could the end of, or the future, of my life be happy? How could my life go back to how it was when so much bad has happened? I have the chance to turn around, to give up, to resort to old behaviors, but I also have the chance to say "No, I'm not going to let this drag me down. I will get back up, I will turn myself back to God, and I will fight this fight because there is still good in my life. There is still good in the world, and it's worth fighting for."
     So this is my commitment to my readers, but more importantly to myself and God. I will turn back to God, no matter how hard it may be, I will keep walking forward. My life is worth fighting for, and so I will fight for it. There is good in me, even if I can't currently see it, and I need to find that good and believe in myself.
     I love you all so much, even you people who read my blog that I do not know at all or who have never left a comment or contacted me. Just the simple fact that you have spent time to read my blog, my journey, brings me the feeling of love, support, and the ability to influence others for good. May God bless us all continually, and may we ever learn to turn to Him, even when it is hard, even when we are struggling. God be with you til' we meet again

The Awful Beast Named Addiction

     Addiction is one of Satan's greatest tools. So often actions, choices, and substances seem harmless to indulge in just once, or at least that is how Satan wishes us to perceive it. Addiction can begin on the first action, the first choice, the first use.
     Addiction is versatile too. People can become addicted to sex, pornography, drugs, self-harming, masturbation, stealing, adrenaline, swearing, food, the list goes on and on. Addiction is one of the greatest vices used by Satan.
     Addiction overrides the very nature of the brain. What to some may seem unnecessary, foolish, undesirable, even revolting or wrong can become to an addict the very air they breathe. Now that may be a little extreme, but to a degree, it is true. Our brain has natural signals it sends out to the body to keep us alive. The brain lets us know when we need food. The brain alerts us if we need more fluids. The brain controls our survival instincts, and this is what addictions hack. To an addict, porn can become just as important as food. Drugs can be at the same level of necessity as water. Any addiction can override the brains normal functions and send one into a seemingly endless cycle of indulging in the addictive behavior, which, to the now changed brain, seems necessary for survival and well being.
     I have had my fair share of addictions in my life. Porn, masturbation, self-hatred, etc. For so long I felt that my addictions were part of who I was, part of normal life even, and yet still I kept them secret and hidden because of the guilt and shame I felt. At some point in my life, I began hating my addictions. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I wanted to stop, but it seemed no matter what I did I just couldn't stop.
     Over and over I'd stay clean for a while, relying solely on will-power, but over and over I'd fall and relapse. I got so angry with myself each time. Things weren't improving, regardless of how much I wanted to stop indulging. I didn't understand, isn't a desire to stop enough? Is there really any hope for me? Why can't I just stop?
     I didn't even understand at the time that I was an addict. Sure, I had been to counseling, and had learned to refer to my indulgences as an addiction, but I did not understand what addiction was or what it was doing to me. I didn't even consider myself a true addict, and I believed that when I grew up it would stop. Oh, when I get married it'll stop. When I have friends it will stop. I just did not understand.
     It wasn't until I was sent to inpatient treatment, and hit rock-bottom, that my heart was softened, I was humbled, and I was willing to turn to God for help. All my life I believed that I had to do everything thing on my own. I was quite independent and did not in any way want to rely on anyone else to help me. I've since realized that I could not overcome my addictions on my own. I needed to rely on God.
     One thing I've learned in my life that has helped me so much is that no matter what your struggle is, you are not the only one. Even if you cannot find someone in your life who knows what you are going through, God and Christ know. They know all of us perfectly, no matter what we deal with, be it an addiction, physical ailment, sickness, death, whatever it may be.
     I have to credit my recovery and ability to now be triumphing over my addictions to the 12-step program, my family and friends who have loved and supported me, my ward family, and most especially my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and everyone on the other side who has been there to hold me and guide me when I felt lost and alone.
     If you struggle with addiction, or really any negative or destructive behavior, I would encourage you to turn to God, your bishop, supportive family and friends, and any others you feel may help you. I would really recommend becoming familiar with the 12 steps, because they have helped me so much in my life and in recovery, and I've seen them change and save lives.
     May we all continually strive to be better through the power of God and the atoning sacrifice of our Savior. Know I love you all, and there will always be a way to overcome any trial(s) in your life. May we turn to God and learn to love as He does.
     You can access and read the LDS 12-step Addiction Recovery Guide by visiting this website: http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/addiction-recovery-program-guide?lang=eng
    

Be "Yourself"? Or Be Yourself?

   First off, I apologize for the long wait between posts. I've been quite busy the past few weeks and have a hard time getting online anyway! Nonetheless, here's my new post. It's an adapted version of my post off of my second blog. Hope it can enlighten, inspire, or help someone in need.  
     One thing I have been thinking about recently is what it means to be yourself. We have all heard someone say it before, you know, the classic "Just be yourself!". Well, what does it mean? Is that really what we should live by?
      See, the thing I have been brainstorming about is whether or not I 'should' be "myself". Part of me would be content and happy to follow paths that the church teaches are wrong, but a now more dominant side of me sees it as something that would not bring me happiness.
      Just today I had one of my friends who I trusted to tell about some of my trials, addictions, and shortcomings encourage me to just "be myself" and questioned why I stayed in the church when the church was trying to "change" who I 'was'. Well, truth be told, today was my graduation from High School, and in almost every graduation speech the statement "just be yourself" was used in one way or another. In the world we live in today people seem more than happy to embrace and flaunt their shortcomings.
      Acceptance is a wonderful thing, and is part of the gospel, but the world has taken acceptance and corrupted it. Acceptance in the world today often refers to accepting someone for their problems. We accept people with SSA, people with tattoos, piercings, over the top hair and clothing styles, drug addictions, pornography and sex addictions, constant profanity usage, sex before marriage, etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on, but the question is, are we 'accepting' them? Or just Justifying their actions?
      We should love everyone, and accept them the way the Lord wishes us to. If I were to listen to every person who 'accepts' me, I would be acting on my addictions, might be in legal trouble, and would be in a much darker place right now and would no longer be a member of the LDS church. What has made the difference in my life is that I have an understanding of what I can become. Not what I AM, not what I HAVE, but what I, Me, Myself, can become through God.
      This life is not about coming to 'accept' yourself, or even just being 'yourself'. Granted everyone has their own personality, their own God-given gifts that define individuality and bring out the best in each of us, and individuality is a good thing, however this life, God's plan, is about becoming the best that we can be and to not settle for just ourselves here and now, but to settle for nothing less than the best us we can be.

      If you struggle with anything, whether it be SSA, addictions, destructive behaviours, maybe it's as simple as not praying or reading your scriptures as often as you should, or not going to church. Whatever it may be, understand that they DO NOT need to define you. We all have individual trials in our lives, but they do not have to 'be' us. We choose who we are, we grow to become the best us, and no human has the right to take that away. Through God, you can become the you that you were meant to be, the real you, the best you, and this I testify to be true.
     I love you all, and I know God loves you. Stay strong and fight the good fight!

Just an idea....

     So this is kind of a random post.... BUT I have been thinking about creating another blog to get into more detail about my life and who I am. As I'm sure you have noticed, my current blog "Finding your way through faith" is more factual based and I use a lot of church resources. I love my current blog, but I want some more freedom to expand my topic and really dig in, and I'm thinking a second blog is where I might go! Don't worry (if you were) I'm keeping this blog! Anyway, I will keep y'all updated on what I do! Thanks so much for all my viewers and followers! I love you all!

     Well, my idea has now become a reality! My second blog is up and running, but is currently in its infancy and I only have my intro posted. My new blog is specifically about same-sex attraction and the LDS church. Feel free to check it out! Visit it by clicking here